Teacher arrested at JFK
NEW YORK -- Shortly after midnight today, a man was arrested while trying to board an international flight at JFK airport in New York City while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, slide rule, log tables, and a calculator. The 37-year-old man, whom officials declined to identify pending further investigation by the homeland security team, was revealed to be a math teacher in the New York City public school system.
At a press conference this morning, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with transporting weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with co-ordinates in every country. They test the limits. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."