How good it feels to fail, to disappoint...
And that is why, consciously burying myself alive, in all this poison of unsatisfied desires, results in a strange and terrifying pleasure, the pleasure of such a clear realization of one's own humiliation...
Hat Tip to MentalBlog.com for this amazing clip (the words of F Dostoyevsky in Notes from the Underground)
Hat Tip to MentalBlog.com for this amazing clip (the words of F Dostoyevsky in Notes from the Underground)
posted by e-kvetcher at 7:52 PM
6 Comments:
care to expound on that further? Why would you have such pleasure after describing failure to be humiliating? What pleasure are you trying to convey? Is it the pleasure of actually being a failure to someone? I guess, I would understand more if it were to be on that premise.
Mel Balsamo
JRomances.com
Mel,
The words are from the clip on mentalblog (it appears to be a melange of phrases from Dostoyevsky) but they really spoke to me.
I think that to varying degrees people have a sense of pressure and stress in their life which is caused by expectations, either external or self-imposed. For those people that are deemed 'smart' or 'successful' sometimes the pressure drives them to a breaking point.
Although I have never achieved it fully, I have experienced glimpses of a certain sense of abandon, a certain liberation, a realization that all these demands on you, these expectations, these conventions are external to you. This realization brings into sharp focus the boundary between you, the individual, and everyone else around you, and you realize that everyone, even your closest family and friends are external to you, and ultimately, your identity is JUST YOU.
Hello
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Jessica
e-kvetcher, love your comment on this post! I can really feel it! I suppose I am one of those deemed "smart" and "successful" and I am now nearing my breaking point. I can almost hear what you're trying to say about the expectations being external, but I can't really wrap my head around it. I have had an extremely successful career until this point (some would say I still do) but am ready to throw it all away, because I simply don't care. I don't care about anything anymore... Nothing matters... I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality... I don't understand what is happening to me precisely... Nothing makes sense anymore...I don't like anything anymore... well, from your writing it seemed like you would understand, thanks for listening...
Jake,
If you want to unload here, feel free.
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